Misunderstanding
by UglyZebras
Summary: Relationships can be complicated. Dan/Blair
1. Chapter 1

**I have just gotten a present from one of my many admirers. It seems that 'Lonely Boy' has a much more varied fantasy life than one would have ever suspected. He clearly has a thing for our Queen B. Jealous S? XOXO you know you love me, Gossip Girl.**

And what followed were images of about a dozen pages of one of Dan's writing journals. Very descriptive ones.

"Yeah, Blair's going to hate this." Said Dan softly as he looked at the computer screen and scrolled through words he'd written about a month ago, that had somehow ended up online. As if on cue his cell phone rang. A text message:

-We need to talk- B

"Sure Blair," Dan said to himself softly "I don't know what you think that will do, but whatever."

* * *

They met at a coffee place. It was decidedly off the beaten path, but the coffee was really good. Dan was mentally trying to reorganize his daily routine to include a visit there when Blair showed up.

"I don't know where we should start." she said facetiously, looking up as though in thought. " Maybe we should start with your apology? And skip any details, I read a page and a half and that was more than enough to make me lose my breakfast. I'm going to have low blood sugar during my morning classes and that too will be your fault."

"It's not a 'fault' situation." Dan said stroking his temple as though he was getting a headache already. "Actually, it is; it's the fault of whoever photographed one of my writing journals and then sent it in to Gossip Girl. And then it's also Gossip Girl's fault for not realizing that it wasn't actually gossip. It was just work."

"Save it Humphrey. I'm not the one who engaged in self-love while fantasizing about people who are way out of my league… that was you and you decided to record the details in a permanent form. This situation is entirely a product of your stupidity."

"Alright."

"Alright what?"

"I mean fine. Whatever. You think you know something and I don't think I can get you to believe anything else, so fine. What do you want to do?"

"You need to find Serena and make up with her."

"What makes you think Serena would want to get back together? She just broke up with someone. Not to mention the fact that she set him up to live with me. I understand her options were limited at the time, but it still felt like she was putting a pretty firm period on the end of our romantic relationship."

"I don't care if she _actually_ gets back together with you. That's hardly the point. You will woo her publicly… and soon; this afternoon would be ideal, thus proving that we are not together and never have been. If the whole thing ends with Serena tearing your heart out with her bare hands, so much the better."

"Hmmm… and you make it sound so tempting…"

"It may not be pretty Humphrey, but it solves our problem."

"There _is_ no problem. A bunch of people will think I have a thing for you. It didn't even say you reciprocate in any way. This is all in your head and I'm not going to engage in some ridiculous charade with Serena to snow a bunch of morons who take Gossip Girl that seriously. If this bothers you so much can't you just… slap me in public or something?"

"This is really not your forté, Humphrey. Slapping you in public, while satisfying I'm sure, could be seen as a lover's quarrel. It would imply that I have strong feelings towards you; in other words it would be a really stupid thing to do. I'm not surprised that you suggested it."

"Do you have any other ideas?" Dan said. "Not involving Serena." He added when Blair immediately started to reply.

"It doesn't have to be Serena. I started with her because I thought playing into your grandest obsession would get you to agree faster. Just find someone to kiss. Even _Vanessa Abrams_ would do." Blair finished with an expression of distaste.

"Not Vanessa."

"You're so tedious. I'm not proposing that you forgive her for what she did to Serena. _Pretend_ to forgive her, then use her and then discard her." Blair finished as though she was talking to a child.

"You're charming."

"And Vanessa Abrams," Said Blair, eyes hard and flinty with dislike for her subject matter. "is an unconvicted felon with delusions of moral superiority."

Dan sighed. He couldn't think of anything to say to that. He knew Vanessa was fundamentally a good person. It was almost scary that someone like her could get to a place that dark. Even if she clearly regretted it afterwards.

"Dan," Blair tried more softly " if this rumor persists and it ever comes out that we've been hanging out together without anyone knowing. Who will believe there wasn't more going on? Serena _won't_ believe me. It's as simple as that."

"How about if I'm seen trying to pick someone up at a club or coffee place or something? That would work wouldn't it?"

"Tell me where and when and I'll have a minion ready with a camera."

Dan nodded and got up to leave.

"And... thanks Humphrey."


	2. Chapter 2

Blair made sure that she had Gossip Girl up on her computer when Penelope walked into her bedroom. She looked up with an artful expression of distaste.

"This Dan Humphrey thing must end. My name and his do not belong on the same page, let alone in the same sentence. You need to follow him until he does something. And when he does, get a photo."

"When he does what?"

"Anything." Said Blair. "Anything I can use." She clarified. Penelope looked at her blankly and Blair rolled her eyes. "Just go. Find, follow and photograph." Penelope turned and walked away.

"And no drinking," Blair raised her voice as Penelope left the room. " I don't need any more blurry shots of your thumb."

Dorota came in and closed the door behind her.

"Now all Humphrey has to do is find a woman who can seem interested in him for a few seconds. That doesn't seem like it's too much to ask does it?"

"Have you talked with Miss Serena?"

"She left me a message; we're going shopping on Thursday. There was something odd about her voice though."

"You think she know something?"

"There's nothing to know Dorota."

* * *

Blair's phone rang the next morning, and seeing Dan's name, she answered it.

"Humphrey."

"I believe that this is what you might call success?" Said Dan, leaning back in his desk chair which creaked slightly in the silence of the loft.

"I know, I saw the picture on Gossip Girl. A tall, tan and tow-headed party girl. You definitely have a type. In fact, I think you should seek professional help; I suspect there's something at work here. Therapy would help your psyche and probably your career."

"My career?" asked Dan, tapping a pen against the thick stack of paper in front of him.

"You tend to write autobiographically, and I'm afraid Oedipus Rex has already been written."

Dan absorbed that blow with surprising fortitude. "Fine Blair, just don't give me _your_ therapist's card. He or she is obviously incompetent. Or maybe just overwhelmed…?"

"Have you talked to Serena?" asked Blair, shifting topics and ignoring the rejoinder.

"No... I know it goes against your instincts, but the truth _does_ work here. We're hanging out. She doesn't have any legitimate grievances."

"How about deception? Your psychological problems abound, by the way; you can't absolve yourself by absolving me." She paused and shifted topics again: "We have to go to that hole-in-the-wall noodle place tomorrow. Cravings have become actual dreams." Dan smiled, remembering Blair's extremely skeptical face shifting into shock at her first taste. He was later only partially successful in defending his meal against questing chop-sticks after Blair had finished her own.

"Fine," He said, making a mental note to order himself more food this time. "but it'll be busy." He warned her.

"That doesn't matter; there's no way that place is on Gossip Girl's radar; I'm still amazed that I walked through the door, saw the animatronic chicken-clock on the wall and did not immediately walk out."

"It's a rooster..."

"My mistake." Blair interrupted. "And with all of my farming experience you would think that I'd be able to identify…"

"And I wasn't worried about Gossip Girl." Dan interrupted back, rolling his eyes. " I meant that we could miss the movie."

"A price I am definitely willing to pay. We can always watch something at your place anyway."

Dan paused, thinking, long enough for Blair to get irritated.

"Humphrey?"

"Ah... It can wait. I'll see you tomorrow then?"

"What can wait?"

"'It' can. The 'it' that I'll tell you about tomorrow."

"I'm curious _right now_. Tomorrow, I probably won't care."

"I guess that's a risk I'll have to take. See you later Blair." Said Dan.

"Alright, see you then." She hung up.

Dan gathered the paper up and put it into a box which he then closed. It was still untitled, but it was done. Done enough to need other eyes anyway.


	3. Chapter 3

_{He caught, for the most fleeting of moments, a look of such profound regret that it almost dragged him under with it…}_

An insistent noise dragged her attention away from the page and she greeted it's source with narrowed eyes; Dorota had entered her room without her realizing it and was looking at her expectantly with a tray of coffee, juice and pastries .

"I'm not hungry or thirsty." She said shortly, turning her attention back to the page.

"Miss Blair…"

"Go away, Dorota." She told her, without looking up.

Ten minutes later, she was finished, and she felt a wave of exhaustion tug at her when she contemplated tackling the coming day without sleep, but she supressed it irritably.

"Dorota!" The tray returned.

"Did you sleep Miss Blair." Dorota asked solicitously as Blair took a mug of coffee.

"Sleep is for the weak." She said automatically. "I have a problem. This," She said, gesturing at the pages scattered around her bed. " will be published. And I think it will be a success. Maybe even a best-seller." Dorota looked at her without understanding.

"Your eyes are red Miss Blair."

"I know, page two-hundred and thirty-six Dorota; your eyes would be red too. The problem is that Serena has been able to get Humphrey whenever she wanted him. When this is published, that probably won't be true anymore. Which means, as her friend, I should tell her about this."

"So?"

"I don't want to."

* * *

There was a brief knock on her open door.

"Hey…" Eric said and then saw that she was thoughtfully sorting through her closet. "What's up?"

"I'm going shopping with Blair this afternoon." He nodded, but when he saw the outfits she was considering his eyebrows rose.

"Aren't those, a little… formal? Not that I'm… you know what? Never mind. I'm just here to deliver this." He showed her an envelope, which he then handed over.

"This is from mom?" Serena asked. "Isn't _this_ a little formal? I thought it was a small dinner, just us and Rufus."

"She's also rearranged the furniture at least six times now; confinement is not good for the human mind." Eric told her. "I have to go, so I'll see you then." He turned to leave.

"Do you think something is going on between Dan and Blair?" Eric turned back to his sister reluctantly.

"… Maybe?" He said eventually.

"What was he doing at W, when we went down to Condé Nast?" She asked him rhetorically. "He'd already been fired. Then there's the blast," She paused and shook her head. "and Blair's been... off lately. Happy to the point of being a Stepford version of herself."

"Happiness is always suspect." Eric nodded and Serena glared at him, but then broke into a crooked smile. "You could just ask her." He said. "Have you two talked about the blast?"

"No," She said, shaking her head. "Besides, it's Blair; the Olympic Champion of lying. Even if she said they weren't…"

"It wouldn't mean it wasn't true." Eric completed the thought for her.

* * *

"Hey, S" said Blair, sitting down at the table. "Thanks for agreeing to get coffee first. I didn't get any sleep at all last night. I know we haven't had a chance to talk for a few days, but did you see the blast?" asked Blair with a smile, watching Serena carefully. "It seems as though your ex has a new obsession. Just out of curiosity, were there any… unorthodox aspects to his crush on you, that you didn't mention, in order to spare my delicate sensibilities? Envelopes of hair or the like? I just want to know what to look out for next." Serena laughed involuntarily. A waiter delivered the coffee Serena had ordered for both of them and they both nodded their thanks.

"The pages looked like they were a part of one of his writing journals." Serena replied when the waiter had left. "I don't think you have anything to worry about."

"Let's hope not." Blair took a sip of coffee and then continued. "It seemed like it might have been a delayed reaction to getting his permanent walking papers."

"What do you mean?"

"You two had that 'it's never over' feel, but when you moved Ben into the loft… I think that probably broke his poor little Humphrey heart." Blair shook her head with mock sadness. "Sent his mind reeling, not that I'm familiar with the workings of a Humphrey brain except maybe for the malevolent clockwork that passes for little J's."

"That was a mess. I didn't intend…" She sighed. "Rufus asked if he could help and at the time, Ben said he didn't feel anything. So it didn't seem like it would end up the way it ended up. I don't think Dan took it the way you think he did. He seems fine; there was a pic of him…"

"With his arm around a Serena clone?" Blair finished for her. "Yeah, I saw it." Serena shook her head slightly while sipping at her coffee.

"On another topic." She said, handing Blair an envelope. "Look at what my mother gave me." Blair pulled out the invitation, noting the quality of the stationary.

"You are cordially invited…" She murmured reading. "Wow. It's only been a couple of weeks and your mother is losing all of her marbles." She passed the invite back to Serena. "My condolences to you and especially Rufus. Maybe it's just me, but I wouldn't actually eat any of the food she serves tonight."

"It is weird then? It' s not just me and Eric who think so?"

"Hand calligraphied invitations to a four person family dinner?"

"Trendsetting maybe?" Serena raised her eyebrows hopefully.

"No," Blair shook her head emphatically. "strange. Ready to go?"

"Absolutely. What should I do about this?" She waved the envelope.

"Nothing; one doesn't pick fights with crazy people."


	4. Chapter 4

"You seem distracted." Rufus noted as he and Dan walked down the street. "What's up?"

"… I gave something I've been working on for a long time to a friend for feedback."

"Vanessa?" Dan shook his head, giving his father a look. "Your mystery friend then?"

"Yeah. The thing is every time I've done this before, it's been this really nerve-wracking thing. Even with Vanessa, when we were exchanging feedback almost every day. But this time, I'm just… curious. Which is actually pretty insane, because this person is _really_ not likely to be diplomatic if she doesn't like it." Rufus sighed and looked away as they continued to walk.

"Look, this friend of yours… I'm not the best at puzzles, true, but this isn't exactly the Times' crossword if you see what I mean." Rufus shook his head when he saw Dan turn to him out of his peripheral vision. "I'm not pushing for a discussion; obviously you don't want to talk about it." They walked silently for a while. Dan pulled open a paper bag he had with him and took a bite of something.

"What are you eating?"

"A croissant."

"Why?"

"Because I'm hungry?"

"I don't think I've ever seen you eat a croissant before."

"This," Dan said holding up his half-eaten breakfast. "is the result of a food-related wager."

"The details of which are a state secret?" His father prompted, raising his eyebrows.

"I agreed to eat french food," Dan held up a finger. " and only french food, for three weeks if…" Dan's eyes cut to his father's face briefly. "someone beat me in an eating contest. That someone agreed to eat without utensils for two if I beat her: I gave her the odds because she probably weighs less than a hundred pounds. A mistake my daily croissant will remind me to never repeat."

"It's not really that bad, is it?"

"It's a daily crescent-shaped dagger to my pride." Dan insisted. "Sure, it's buttery and flaky… and sometimes I get the chocolate ones. But pride is more important than pastry." Rufus smiled, almost involuntarily. "What?" Dan asked.

"Nothing." He shook his head.

Dan looked at his watch. "I have to go."

"Class?"

"No, I need ingredients. I'm making Boeuf Bourguignon." He paused and then added. "Blair's coming over."

"Blair Waldorf… at the loft…" He cocked his head slightly. "Well, make sure you use the fine china."

"And by that you mean?"

"Use _actual_ plates and glasses. Or are you going to pretend that you _haven't_ been using paper plates to avoid doing any dishes?"

"No comment."

* * *

Dan was getting the kitchen into order so he could start to cook when his phone rang.

"Hey Blair, I'm expecting you at seven so if you're calling to comment on how much Brooklyn sucks, save your best material for when you're actually here."

"That's funny because I'm expecting you here; I'm too tired to go anywhere but I still want food."

"What I'm making is a kind of stew, Blair. Long cooking times are involved. And I'm not going to carry a large pot full of stew and the side dishes..."

"So come over now." Blair interrupted. "Dorota will show you where everything in the kitchen is and I get to nap for four hours; everyone wins." Blair paused. "I got some dessert." She added persuasively.

"Fine Blair." Dan sighed as if he felt put upon, but he was smiling.

"Good. I already sent a car for you."

"Of course you did."

"See you soon."

* * *

"Dorota!" said Blair after she hung up. She burrowed into her comforter and pillow a little more.

"Yes, Miss Blair?" She said when she arrived.

"I need a dessert." Blair said, yawning.

"What kind of dessert?"

"It has to be French and it has to be really good _and_ it has to be here before Humphrey is."


	5. Chapter 5

Blair greeted him when he came to the door. She didn't look tired, but then, she never did really. She _was_ wearing a robe however.

"This way." She pointed, and then lead him to the kitchen.

Dan looked around and put down the groceries he'd brought. He started pulling items out of a bag.

"Uh, knives?" He asked.

"Third drawer" Blair pointed. "Something went wrong here." she noted, tapping a bag of potatoes and a package of pasta. "I'm not eating anything that has both of these in it." Blair explored the bags Dan had brought. "Flour?" Blair shook her head. "Humphrey I know you're not a nutritionist, but meals should contain something besides carbohydrates."

"The classic accompaniment is boiled potatoes." Dan shrugged. "I thought you would insist. Personally, I like the noodles, so those are for me."

"And the flour?"

"Is necessary for thickening purposes… you know, for someone who's 'too tired'" Dan made finger quotes. " to go anywhere, you're being very inquisitive."

"That's your fault actually." Blair said.

"_I_ didn't make you detail-obsessive." Dan pulled more of his supplies out of the bags. "If I had to guess, based on my experience catering your mother's Passover Seder, you have genetics to thank for that."

"No," Blair said. "I was referring to my current state of sleep deprivation."

"How did I manage that?" asked Dan, his eyebrows furrowed. He pulled the papery skin off of an onion with the nine inch blade of a chef's knife.

"I'm going to sleep now." She said, not answering him. She exaggerated a yawn. "I don't want to distract you while you're cooking. I believe the best typists have the use of all of their fingers."

"This is going to be simmering for a couple of hours. Is there somewhere I can watch something while I wait?"

"Dorota can show you." She turned to leave.

"And where is Dorota?"

"I have no idea." She tossed over her shoulder as she walked away.

"That's great." Dan said to himself as he started to chop. "… that's really helpful."

* * *

"The martinis were a bad idea." Dan said, slightly drowsy. His head tipped to the side, resting on the plush cushion of the couch he and blair were sitting on.

"Don't be such a wet blanket Humphrey. It's not like you have to go anywhere, Serena's staying at Lily's after their weird and overly-formal dinner thing."

"Alright."

"Also," Blair hesitated. "your book was… good and I wouldn't have told you that unless I were a little tipsy.

Dan turned his head toward her, surprised. " I didn't think you'd read it that fast."

"Well, I read quickly." Blair waved a hand dismissively.

"Wait…" He held up a finger. "so _that's_ why you were tired. You stayed up all night…" A smile was spreading on Dan's face.

"because I had too much coffee." Blair interrupted him.

"You couldn't put it down." He pointed the finger he'd raised at her.

"I think I'm developing insomnia." Blair said; Dan just raised his eyebrows. "Insomnia's a serious condition Humphrey. It can lead to annoying people being murdered."

"You're right Blair," Dan said thoughtfully, assuming a pompous tone. "I _should_ learn to take compliments better. I will probably be receiving them far more frequently after all."

"I said it was good. _Good_. That's barely a compliment; it was really just another way of saying it didn't make me want to vomit. I didn't see any obvious Serena homages and that was really half the battle wasn't it?" Dan didn't say anything, but he was making a face. " What?" She asked.

"I _did_ write another book. A satire." He said it almost unwillingly.

"Oh god." Blair laughed. "Do I get to read it?"

"No." He shook his head slowly, emphatically.

"Even if I ask nicely?"

* * *

It was Blair's phone that woke them; they'd nodded off watching a movie, and the credits were playing, so not much time had passed. Blair extricated herself from him without comment and looked at her phone, her jaw stiffened and she wordlessly passed it to him.**  
**

**Shame, shame shame… on _me_? It seems as though I may have let a duplicitous duo divert me from what they wanted to hide. However someone else clearly has their number.**

Then there was a photo of Dan and Blair asleep on her couch, Blair lying curled up with her head in his lap. Dan's left hand was wrapped familiarly around her hip.

**Don't they look cozy? You know you love me, XOXO Gossip Girl.**

"You should call Serena." Dan said, passing her phone back. Blair frowned at him.

"Who do you think took this picture?"**  
**


	6. Chapter 6

Dan frowned at her tone. "You think Serena...?"

"Is responsible for this? Yes." She spread her hands drawing his attention to where they were. "How many people do think can just come in here?" Dan frowned, thinking while Blair tapped on her phone. Her gestures were swift and sure, but not remotely calm.

"Blair."

She stopped and smiled slightly. She turned to him and held out a hand. He took it, his face bewildered; before he could say anything, Blair's lips met his fiercely and his arms moved to encircle her of their own volition. It ended as quickly as it started though; she smiled at him and her dark eyes cut to her left. "Look that way." She whispered. He did, still more in shock than anything else. He found that he was looking at her phone…

"What…?" He blinked.

Before he could complete his question, Blair had moved back a few steps and she was working with her phone again; a few seconds later, Dan heard the sound of his own phone. He wordlessly picked it up. Two pictures had been added to Gossip Girl, In the first, he and Blair were locked in what seemed like a very passionate embrace and in the second they were posing for the camera. Dan himself looked a little shocked, but there was undoubtedly happiness there as well. Blair's smile was mischievous and her arm was wrapped around him in a possessive manner.

"How was that a good idea? He asked her, his gaze lingering on the photos.

"We're dating now Humphrey." She said. "Couples do that kind of stuff."

"No. Actually, they don't."

"Because of Serena," Blair said ignoring him. " people will think we were hooking up. I'm not going to be seen to be a part of something as classless as a one night stand."

"Wasn't there some way we could… lie our way out of it?" He asked with some discomfort.

"Look at this." Blair showed him the image of them on the couch. "_This_ is not manageable." She shook her head at him. "What would explain this to someone else's satisfaction?"

"You… were tired and I happened to be here…" Blair raised her eyebrows in mocking query. He shook his head slightly and waved a hand. "because… I'm having an affair with Dorota." He finally offered weakly.

"Well done." Blair said nodding.

"We bonded over our mutual hatred for you."

"Problem solved." She said ironically. "I don't know what's bothering you. It's my reputation that's at stake here."

"It's not my fault that you built yourself such a massive pedestal..."

"And I plan on staying on top of it." She interrupted, pointing a finger at him. "You will dress better for the next few weeks."

"Weeks?" He frowned. "I'm not…" He began determinedly.

"Before you insist on your plaid," Blair interrupted again, loudly. "let's not forget, that this is all your fault." She gestured at his head emphatically. "The hair will be cut."

"It's maybe fifty-five percent my fault. Sixty at most and the hair is not going anywhere."

"That's pretty inconsiderate Humphrey; Dorota likes her men well groomed."

* * *

Chuck entered the Van Der Woodsen/Humphrey residence with a file folder under his arm where he saw Serena sitting with her feet up on a couch, a magazine occupying her attention.

"Good morning, Sis."

"Chuck." Serena greeted him disinterestedly, her gaze never leaving her reading material.

"Where's Lily?" He asked her. "I need to speak with her and she's not answering her phone."

"She's not answering her phone because it forces other people to come and see her in person." She looked up and met his eyes briefly. "Mission accomplished."

"Alright." Chuck nodded. "Then she's in her room?"

"Yes, but she's napping. Which is something she does all the time now."

"Let's see." Chuck said rhetorically. "Cranky and petulant. I take it you're obsessing over something? Not that I really care you understand, but I seem to have a few minutes to kill since I won't be able to speak with Lily." He looked at his watch.

"Nothing I want to talk to you about."

"Ah. This would be a sulky pre-teen reaction to Gossip Girl's latest scoop?"

"Go away Chuck." She said dismissively.

"I will, but first, I'm curious…" He paused.

"What?" Serena asked him impatiently.

"What do you think Blair's going to do to you?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"Normally I would have no trouble believing that." He smirked at her and she rolled her eyes derisively. "Blair doesn't react well to betrayal," He went on. "that's something both of us have some experience..."

"_She_ has no trouble betraying people either." Serena interrupted. "Why would you be on her side anyway? You don't have a problem with her dating Dan?"

"Humphrey? Please. If they are dating, which I doubt, it won't last. Blair will eat him alive." He paused. "Don't worry Sis, once she's done I'm sure she won't mind if you want to play with whatever's left of him." He looked at his watch again. "Make sure Lily sees this." he said placing the file folder next to her, then he turned to leave.

"What will you do if you're wrong?" Serena asked him. Chuck didn't respond.

* * *

Dan's manuscript was returned to the loft via courier, it was accompanied by an envelope.

Dan opened the envelope:

_My Dearest Daniel_

_I've sent copies of your wonderful manuscript to a few friends. I'm certain they will see what I see. Regarding this weekend, thank you so much for agreeing to be my handsome escort. I would surely be most vexed if something were to keep us apart... I don't know what I would be forced to do..._

_All My Love_

_Blair._

Dan shook his head, disbelief written all over his features. He reached into the envelope, noticing that there was something else inside. He pulled out a card which gave him the personal contact information of an executive at a publishing company.


End file.
